Los Angeles-based comedian, radio DJ, and host of the Sick and Wrong Podcast, Dee Simon has written a collection of comical and gut-wrenching personal essays about his experience as a strip club DJ in San Francisco in the early 2000s. Most of the stories in the book concern sex, drugs, venereal disease, and diarrhea or a combination thereof. Therefore, if you lack a sense of humor or are easily offended, you should probably put this one down. Having the “wet dream” job of most adolescents, Simon offers a biting, realistic, and hilarious depiction of what goes on “behind the black velvet curtains” at a gentlemen’s club from the perspective of the guy upstairs with the cheesy voice spinning Def Leppard songs.
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Guest blogger Dee Simon was a strip club DJ in San Francisco in the mid-2000s. He recently wrote a memoir about his experience called Play Something Dancy. The book is available for purchase on Amazon.
Dee agreed to write up his 5 most important pieces of strip club etiquette exclusively for COED.com.
#1) Don’t Be an Asshole
When visiting a gentleman’s club, it behooves one to be a gentleman, hence the appellation. Never be rude to a dancer, DJ, bartender, waitress and definitely not to a bouncer because they are capable of seriously hurting you. In the story “The Bigger the Bills, the Bigger the Thrills,” I talk about some drunken idiots who were heckling the dancers and me when I asked them to settle down and tip the ladies. However, unlike a comedian who’s armed only with a microphone, I also had several massive bouncers at my disposal. The scene got ugly when I insulted their manhood and the hecklers rushed the DJ booth. They had to be carried out of the club. In conclusion, don’t be an asshole.
#2) Always Tip When Seated in the Front Row at the Stage
“Not tipping in the front row is like going through a drive through and not ordering any food” or “Gentlemen in the front row, how about a little greenery for the scenery? We call that area the erection section for a reason.” Those are just a couple lines I employed to harangue non-tipping patrons. It’s quite true that the dancers earn their living from tips from their lap dances and stage shows and it’s considered a major faux pas not to tip when seated at the tip rail. And keep in mind that cheap customers will be ridiculed mercilessly by the DJ who has control of a very bright spotlight.
#3) Don’t Ask for Sex
Strippers are not prostitutes. Well, not all of them. Don’t waltz into a strip club in the United States and expect to have sex. To quote from Vice Magazine, “If strip clubs were honest, they’d all be called Frustration McLonelys.” You might get lucky every now and then but 99% of the time, you’re not going to get laid at a strip club. You should fully acknowledge this fact before you walk through the black velvet curtain, then have a couple drinks, buy a lap dance or two and enjoy yourself but don’t be an asshole.
#4) Don’t Ask the DJ for Drugs
In fact, don’t ask the dancers or any strip club employee for narcotics. First of all, it’s illegal and you never know if there’s an undercover policeman within earshot. Second, you will be swindled. By their very nature, strippers are grifters. How else are they able to sell you the idea of having sex but not actual sex? They live to hustle. I recall a stripper named Minx who sold some businessmen about $300 worth of what she called “pure” cocaine. In reality, there was maybe $10 worth of cocaine in the bag and the remainder, mannitol, a baby laxative. She told me that she watched them running to the bathroom all night. I felt true sympathy for those guys.
#5) Wear Proper Attire
At least wear some f**king trousers. There’s nothing more pathetic than a middle-aged guy who shows up at a strip club wearing sweatpants. Most upscale clubs have a dress code and will not admit someone wearing shorts or sweatpants. But the lower tier clubs will admit anyone as long as they pay the $10 entrance fee. In the story “Doug The Retard,” I discuss the various types of regulars who frequent strip clubs. One of the more obnoxious regulars was a disabled cokehead whom the dancers nicknamed “Doug The Retard.” He was obscenely wealthy but would often show up to the club wearing stained sweatpants and a t-shirt. Though he paid the girls handsomely, the time spent with Doug was a horrific six-hour ordeal, which involved feeding him, listening to his insults, and dancing on his lap while he passed gas. At most clubs, dancers create demeaning monikers for most of the regular customers and these monikers often initiate with the customer’s unfortunate fashion choices.
“Dee Simon’s book, Play Something Dancy: The Tragic Tales of a Strip Club DJ, is a sensational tell-all memoir recounting Simon’s wild days of DJ-ing for strip clubs. Raunchy, lewd, and explicit — this book could kill your average housewife’s Fifty Shades of Grey a couple of times, at least.” – Playboy’s The Smoking Jacket
PLAY SOMETHING DANCY IS AVAILABLE IN PRINT AND DIGITAL ON AMAZON.COM:http://www.amazon.com/dp/B009SQ1KE2
ABOUT DEE SIMON
Dee Simon is a graduate of the University of Michigan. He lived in San Francisco where he hosted Rampage Radio, a metal and punk rock radio show on KUSF 90.3 FM. During that time, he also worked as a strip club DJ in gentlemen’s clubs located across the city. In 2006, he started up his own comedy podcast called Sick and Wrong Podcast which is recorded on a weekly basis. Currently, Dee lives in Los Angeles where he is pursuing a career as an author, comedian, and cruise ship magician. Play Something Dancy is Dee Simon’s first book.