The details of my suicide were planned right down to the final moment. I envisioned it clearly. On the appointed evening, I would drive home from work as usual, pick up speed, aim for the large oak tree that was near the shoulder of the road by my house and crash head on.
Everyone would believe it was an accident. My children would never know that I did it intentionally. I would be free at last. No more would I have to live my life.
That was my glorified version of how to step out of this life; it did not happen.
Instead, I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and went to bed one afternoon. I woke up in the emergency room drinking charcoal. My daughter had found me and called her dad to tell him she couldn’t wake me up.
After that event, the ultimate shame hovered over me like a swarm of bees. The constant buzzing relentlessly reminded me of what I had just done to my children.
Two days after I got home from the hospital I called a friend who recommended a self-help program. Two weeks later, I was on my way to Boise, Idaho for what turned out to be a life-saving event. From that point forward, I began to live my life. Do you ever wonder how you got to where you are in life? And then wondered why you made the choices you did? I’ve asked myself these questions most of my adult life. I finally figured it out for myself, and my story has a happy ending.
My story includes three generations of abominable abuse of the darkest variety: sexual, emotional, and mental. My story sheds light on the shadow side of the adult human who uses children to relieve his sexual appetites and need for power and domination over the innocent and helpless. But my story ends in triumph instead of despair.
Being raped and sexually abused as a child imprisoned me in a lifetime of emotional and mental anguish. Not only did I survive and triumph, I found great happiness. I want to share the how and why with you.
We all have a story to tell and I am hoping mine will make a difference to someone out there. It is my hope that you won’t feel alone or think of yourself as another tragic statistic who dreams of leaving by the back door of suicide as I once did.
Yes, I wrote this story to give you hope because it is an inspirational and triumphant coming-of-age memoir. I also wrote it for my children, that they may recognize the miracles that have been bestowed upon us and stopped this sickening cycle of abuse.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Born in Salt Lake City, she grew up in Southern California and now lives in Utah with her family and four miniature schnauzers. She and her husband are the parents of 9 children and 11 grandchildren. Family is her number one priority and when not working with university and church groups, she can be found golfing and sailing with her children and husband, Gary.
You can visit her blog at www.myspace.com/williamsondebbie/.